testing

i've been stuck the past couple of weeks. kind of had that "deer in the headlight" look in my eyes. before i start my story, let me say, i'm perfectly fine.

it started with a visit to my doctor's office. i had a cough that wouldn't go away and pain in my upper abdomen that had been around for about a month. when you've had cancer and you go into the doctor with those type of symptoms, you kinda know in the back of your head what's coming.....testing. and testing always leaves you with time waiting and thought processes that are a struggle.

testing plunges you into the world of waiting rooms and cheery nurses. insurance cards and needles. probes and gadgets that see more of you than your own spouse ever has. conversations with doctors and sleepless nights. lots of what if's.

testing reminds you of how thankful you are to have good friends. friends that pray for you and check on you. friends that love on your kids and feed them and take them to their soccer game. friends that pass up the opportunity to take pictures of you on their cell phone when you're higher than a kite from the drugs you received for an endoscopy. friends that make you laugh when you want to cry and let you cry when you really need to.

testing also leads you to places with other people going through testing. some people who are in the middle of the battle for their lives. people who fall apart weeping in the arms of a nurse because they just received news that changed their world. i saw that.

i've gone through this before. lots of times. i've got great doctors who seem to be committed to making sure if cancer ever did come back, they would be right on top of it as soon as possible. they handle it all with great ease and calmness. i still don't handle it well at all. i thought i would be better at it by now but i'm not. i freeze. what was so important the week before, falls to the bottom of the priority list... i wasn't thinking about how much we had saved up for our new home or what was going on at church or when to begin christmas shopping for the kids.

my thoughts became restricted and then ran frantically down rabbit trails. fear and doubt and pain and the unknown do that. it was a battle to remember that the One who made this ole' body of mine is the One who doesn't let anything touch it without His "okay". a cycle of surrendering and taking back and then surrendering again. i didn't get out of that place until the nurse at the oncologist's office said, "no signs of tumor or masses." relieved but incredibly humbled once again.

i found myself reminded of how thankful i should be that i get to wrestle mandy to bed every night and make matt's peanut butter sandwich for lunch and listen to mallory practice for the nine-hundredth time on the piano and not get mad at marcy for swiping my favorite polar fleece to keep her warm at night. those are gifts and i forget it all the time.

i think people "freeze" over a lot of different situations.... loss of a job, loss of a relationship, loss of health, loss of a dream, loss of comfort. i've known a few people who never seem to have gotten past their losses in life. maybe the real gains are made when you realize that it's not the losses you should be desperate to avoid but rather getting stuck in those losses.

someone once told me, "rachel, don't seek so hard after the answer you want. seek hard after God. then,whatever answer you get will be easier to accept." i know, much easier in theory than in application. still....it's true.