my heart has been heavy the past couple of days. yesterday, marcy, matt, mallory and i went to visit with my grandparents and mom for the afternoon. i love going to my grandma's house. always have.
i grew up in the same small town as my grandparents. they came to my ball games and were at every great milestone to celebrate. we all went to a little baptist church together. when i was in college and came home on the weekends, i would always sit between my grandma and grandpa during church. it was safe there. and safe places seemed hard to find when i was in my late teens / early 20's trying to figure out who i was and falling flat on my face.
when marcy wasn't quite 1 and i was pregnant with the twins, we lived up in wisconsin. we moved back to southern indiana when the twins were 1 week old to be near family. there's something about having babies that makes you want to be near your momma and grandma and sister and aunts and cousins. my grandma came over to our little house and rocked babies and changed diapers and supervised so i could fit in showers to feel human again. she told me stories of what it was like when she was raising her 4. she was my cheerleader.
my grandma is very sick now. she has lou gehrig's disease. it still doesn't roll of my tongue very easily when i say it. i choke on my words when i talk about her. i even have moments when i'm still angry at God for allowing this to happen.
my grandma is starting to experience pain. she is losing use of her limbs and it is difficult to understand her speech. she needs assistance showering and using the bathroom and blowing her nose. the woman who used to be able to whip up a dinner for 30 without any difficulty now has to have her meals cut up for her. from what i've read, most people with this disease die from respiratory failure. she is becoming increasingly weak but somehow, through God's grace, she is reflecting a strength that blows me away.
i know a lot of strong women. women who run big households. women who run their own businesses. women who run ministries. even women who run marathons. i always hope to learn something from women like that. but i am humbled by and drawn to women who don't run when pain hangs on them like a wet blanket. that's my grandma right now.... facing something very scary with tremendous faith.
a little while back, i was having trouble sleeping through the night so i turned on the tv and watched a pbs documentary. it was about a man in europe who had been diagnosed with lou gehrig's disease. he was choosing the path of assisted suicide before the disease progressed too far. i cried and cried for this guy. he just didn't believe there was any purpose for his existence in midst of all of the suffering.
i had thought about shielding our kiddos from all of this a little bit. wanted to protect them from the pain. in the end, though, i realized i wanted them to understand there was just as much beauty and sacredness in passing from this life as there was in the birth of a brand new baby. i watched mallory yesterday help her great-grandma with her drink and even tried to help her blow her nose. you try to protect yourself from too much pain you also miss out on a lot of sweet things too.
when my grandma's long journey Home is finally over, we'll weep and hug and hold each other tight. i'll be glad that her physical suffering is over but i'll never forget how she responded in faith. there's nothing wasted about passing down that kind of legacy.
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